Sometimes it's okay to give yourself a break from tradition. It may even start some new traditions.
So, we didn't do a tree this year. I one day realized it was December 20th, and my mom, who is always the one excited about Christmas decorations, hadn't gotten my son to bring the tree out of storage. Is Mom alright? She's just fine, but this year, she and I have been faced with many days of having to beg, bargain or manipulate to get my son out of bed. You see, on top of some emotional issues, there have been a few alcohol and drug incidents with him, and since the last very serious incident, he has not been the same. He has even been given a mental health diagnosis. So, I figured that it just became impossible to get his help and neither of us wants to do it on our own. When one member of the family suffers, it affects the whole family.
In a published article from BBC News, a writer stated that anyone would give a person suffering a broken leg a free pass at Christmas time, and that we should be able to give ourselves a free pass in the cases of inner suffering. Those in their first holiday after losing a loved one, those struggling with their own mental illness and depression, or that of a loved one. Inner suffering is not always visible. The retail and capitalistic pressures of the season are a bit much, even for those who are completely healthy. I have been silently boycotting the mall at Christmas time for years, having had more than my share in my former 15 year retail career. So, I decided, it was our right to forgo the tree. I had even asked my son if he wanted the tree up. He said no. I think our alternate decorations were quite beautiful.
I even succeeded at staying out of the mall, until my son got a Christmas check to spend. He said he needed sunglasses and requested to go to the mall. Funny thing is, when we were there, we found that the sunglasses shop was upstairs. He told me adamantly that he would not go upstairs. I don't know what was behind that; he doesn't always share what's in his mind. So, suffice it to say, nothing was bought at the mall and I was not happy. I will chalk it up to his own mall anxiety, but I really wish he hadn't asked to go there in the first place, because it sealed some bitterness I was already feeling about that money.
Believe me, I have felt guilty enough about feeling that bitterness. (Quaint, isn't it, the way one negative feeling leads to another...). However, my son is not prepared to go to work. Finances are strained because of Christmas shopping, because he turned 18 this year and because I decided to stop seeking court-ordered support from his father, and any promised offer of help is always deferred. It's an issue in itself and I just need to stop worrying. At any rate, I had taken my son to get a filling, the price being around $100 even after insurance. I paid for said filling. Then, I, gritting my teeth, took him to cash a Christmas check from his dad. I informed him he should buy lunch; it would cost much less than that filling. He did not argue but looked at me funny. I said, "You got this nice check and aren't really "sure" what you need. Well, you "needed" that filling, and I paid for it. You "need" lunch and you can pay..." So, he bought lunch and got his Grandma a gift. After all, I braved the mall so he could look and decide what he "needed." It's never too late to learn, money is not one sided. Yet, why did I feel so guilty and bitter at reacting this way? Obviously, there is too much that I do lately simply because I HAVE to. I feel responsible for everything, yet I control nothing. Not a great feeling.
In short, I excused myself from doing all of the Christmas rituals that we have "always done" just because we have "always done" them. For that truly would have been my main purpose. Some people may tell me that is not how I am supposed to feel. Please don't tell me how I am supposed to feel. I felt that this was one more thing I would do because no one else in the house had the stamina to care if it was done. Would I suddenly feel Christmas cheer during the task of putting up and decorating a tree? No doubt, my son would have jumped in, right? In my mind, I came up with a resounding "No." Instead, I felt the joy of stringing up those lights, and being done in 15 minutes. That is the extent of decorating that I could handle this year, and I was alright with that.
Instead of hearing the expected "Bah, humbug" from me, what you would hear about this Christmas from my mouth is: I spent time with family. I attended church service, and even though Christmas Eve dinner was un-traditionally enjoyed at Golden Corral instead of in our home, it was enjoyed and shared with family. This Christmas, I reflected on how thankful I am for my boyfriend of 5 years, who has suffered his own family losses in the last year, how thankful I am that my son is alive and not using substances, and how glad I am that my mom is still with us and quite healthy. Not to mention the shelter dog who came into our lives over a month ago, that furry toddler bringing joy, unconditional love, and energy when we didn't think we had any left.
Christmas presents were left untouched until after dinner Christmas day. Traditionally, we would open them after church Christmas Eve. But I go to a different church than Mom now, and she went to her service after attending ours. On Christmas Eve, my son and I rode past some beautifully decorated homes. Then, he went to bed early, like usual, and I read a book in the "decorated" living room, snuggled next to my dog. I didn't feel the need to dig into presents. I already had received many presents, and I didn't go nuts trying to shop wisely or decorate perfectly. I gave myself a little break this year. After all, there is a lot of self-doubt and self-derision going on within me on how I have handled my son's situation this year, but I can see the sunrise scattering the darkness. I shared love and joy with my family this Christmas. I am blessed, and I am thankful.
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