Since my discovery that I have a type of IBS, it has been obvious that things tend to eat at me from the inside. Could it be the marriage I was in, and had to leave? Could it be my current living situation with myself, my son, and my mother, wrought with all the parental confusion over who tells who how to live, or how to parent? Don't get me wrong, I love them both. Maybe part of my problem has been the escape I used to attempt through drinking, even if only one drink per night, to "ease the tension." My job certainly can be stressful at times, as well. All can add up to a little bit too much on the stomach.
Sometimes, I know that the main answer is just letting go. Some things I can, others I cannot, especially when I look at my 17 year old, or see how he is behaving, and I know that I am still a big part of shaping him as a person. It can be quite daunting.
I seriously don't like it when his mood or behavior start to remind me of his father. That is quite hard on me. It makes me wonder what his dad is like when they are together and I am not around. There have probably been too many years of this, and now, I see, my son has probably stomached a whole lot himself, kept it inside. I ask God's forgiveness for that. Then, I ask God to guide me the rest of the way. Because my job sure isn't over.
So much to think about, heavy, I know. I was in the car with my son and someone else the other day and I just totally retreated into myself. That has not been my habit in a very long time. My current escape is through great books and Science Fiction movies. Zoning out hasn't happened in a while, but I was upset. So, here, in short, is my ode to zoning out, and knowing, it is not completely a bad thing. Oddly, no one disturbed me until the car stopped, and, Look! It got me writing again:
Staring out the window,
I let the thoughts drift in
damp and mildewy
dark and dusty
warm and fuzzy
or cold and sharp...
some, an electric jumpstart to the
system, rare, but
a true thing
or, an uncomfortable brick-
best to leave behind.
It's okay that they all reared
an ugly head, or a
beautiful smile again.
I know they are all there -
always.
And I can release them, again,
whenever I want.
They are part of me
Sometimes, I know that the main answer is just letting go. Some things I can, others I cannot, especially when I look at my 17 year old, or see how he is behaving, and I know that I am still a big part of shaping him as a person. It can be quite daunting.
I seriously don't like it when his mood or behavior start to remind me of his father. That is quite hard on me. It makes me wonder what his dad is like when they are together and I am not around. There have probably been too many years of this, and now, I see, my son has probably stomached a whole lot himself, kept it inside. I ask God's forgiveness for that. Then, I ask God to guide me the rest of the way. Because my job sure isn't over.
So much to think about, heavy, I know. I was in the car with my son and someone else the other day and I just totally retreated into myself. That has not been my habit in a very long time. My current escape is through great books and Science Fiction movies. Zoning out hasn't happened in a while, but I was upset. So, here, in short, is my ode to zoning out, and knowing, it is not completely a bad thing. Oddly, no one disturbed me until the car stopped, and, Look! It got me writing again:
Staring out the window,
I let the thoughts drift in
damp and mildewy
dark and dusty
warm and fuzzy
or cold and sharp...
some, an electric jumpstart to the
system, rare, but
a true thing
or, an uncomfortable brick-
best to leave behind.
It's okay that they all reared
an ugly head, or a
beautiful smile again.
I know they are all there -
always.
And I can release them, again,
whenever I want.
They are part of me
