June 2010
Do you ever just sit and glower in hate at those beautiful people who can eat whatever they want? Well, now I do. I've considered myself a healthy person for a while, several years I would say. I'd eat red meat just now and then, eat granola bars often, lost all the baby weight 4 months after giving birth. (But let me tell you, I did not do it the healthy way. I was simply too busy, catching up at work, catching up with baby when I got home, and never, ever, did I look good enough to me). Somewhere along the line I allowed my son to drag me back into the fast food habit, sometime after becoming a divorced, working mom. He loves Chik-Fil-A, for one, and so do I! However, their chicken is still fried.
For some reason, although I've always been a non-smoker, I got pleurisy last year, probably as a result of my almost-yearly spring-time bronchitis. My boyfriend calls me the allergy queen...though I don't think I'm as bad as his dog, who scratches himself against the metal fence! All these people who smoke, and I have to have the lung problems. Luckily I got over it. Only months later, I was having what seemed to be a gall-bladder attack. Cue in the guilt over my non-cooking, fast-food, eating-out, working mom lifestyle. After multiple tests, the doctor said I had spastic colon. "Watch the rich foods, fried foods, and sweets. Here's a prescription to calm down your digestive system." That prescription works like a charm, even calms me too! I also watch what I eat, haven't had a burger since last August, and only had roast beef once. I've gotten many great healthy ideas from my dad's wife, and from the Whole Foods Market.
I just wish I could be one of those rugged, cowgirl types. Like these men who always say "Gotta have my meat and potatoes." My boyfriend is one of them, but I'll tell you, he sure doesn't over-eat and always has some type of vegetable. Remember the song, "Where have all the cowboys gone?" Love it. It makes me think of those mavericks who ride hard, chase the herd, work all day, and eat what they want, some of them even lighting up a smoke after the work is done. The good old days, without consequences. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't sound romantic to me to smoke and I won't. I just want a blasted cheeseburger!
So, over this next weekend, probably on my boyfriend's birthday, I'm going to get one. I will not think about the consequences, though there most likely will be some, but I am going to enjoy it! Maybe I'll make it a yearly tradition. Rules are no fun if you don't break them now and then. To me, that's a little bit of what freedom is.
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Moment I Fell in Love....
Was beyond being wooed by a kiss. Beyond appreciating his kindness in fixing something for me, beyond my joy in his laugh (which makes being around him lots of fun at times!). It was when he unwittingly showed me how to appreciate the simplicity in dancing to a different drum...and I showed him something special to me.
Sept. 2010~
(Sunset in St. Pete. )
Sept. 2010~
It was a calm, quiet dinner at Woody’s BBQ. I loved my Carolina
“They’re Canadian Geese.” He said. “Canadian honkers.” And yes, they were honking.
“They’re a long way from home,” I replied.
“Yep.” He had a smile on his face as he walked closer to them, reminding me of my little boy when he used to chase ducks.
“You gonna catch one?” I asked, humored.
“Yeah, there’s dinner,” he replied, jokingly. He kept slowly moving his tall, lean frame closer, looking awed, while they collectively inched away. A van drove through, carefully, while the ducks walked forward but not out of their way. We both laughed at the van. It was such a kid thing to do, I got a kick out of watching him.
Then I realized we had a lot of time before our movie would start, so I suggested we take a drive. I directed him to the park on Mandarin Rd. , and the boat landing right beside it. We walked up on the dock, just in time to see the bright orange sun slowly lower out of sight on the horizon. “Good timing,” he said. It was beautiful. And then the sky was just blue with a bright orange- pink cast where the sun had been. It was Sept. 18th at 7:28 p.m. The sun had just set, summer was slowly leaving us, and the sky was beautiful and the air was cooler, cool enough for a motorcycle ride that would wait until another day, and I was glad I took him there and shared with him this place, and this experience of sunset, that has touched me inside.
Bucking the System!
'Cuz if you don't buck the system, baby, it's gonna bite you! -July 2010
Yeah, the system bites. So I'm bucking back! My auto insurance renewal papers arrived, with a monthly bill that is 17 dollars higher per month. Last year, on receiving the renewal papers, it had gone up 12 dollars per month. I considered switching to another insurer, but thought I might call them first.
The lady was quite congenial and heard my concerns. She said there were two reasons for the raise in my rates. The first reason is what floored me.
"Based on recent credit rating information, your 'financial responsibility' has had a recent change." I know the meaning of those words, but asked her for more explanation.
"It could be that you have a credit card close to the limit, or some other thing that is showing on your credit report. The company we deal with is ______________, I could give you their number." She appealed kindly.
"No thanks. I really don't see what my financial responsibility might have to do with auto insurance. My driving record has remained clean for the past five years."
"Oh yes," she confirmed, "you are getting the good driver discount." I did not indulge any information about my credit card balance or that I bought a house with my mother in 2007. They got the address change, and anything else was none of their business. All that is their business, is my driving record. I do also seem to recall the monthly rate going up a little when I moved to this side of town, but many people I discussed this with also had similar situations, because maybe there is a higher rate of accidents on this side of town....never mind that I am now in a house where my car can reside safely in a garage....Hellooooo!!!! Yeah, I had let that one go.
So, that's it. The only way I can legally buck the system here, is to call another insurance company. This I did, resulting in changing over to another insurer, for 27dollars less a month. "Financial responsibility..." , this is none of their flippin' business....how dare they discriminate? I'm done...the new insurance takes effect in two days and I called gleefully to cancel the other. The agent at the new insurance company also guffawed at that "financial responsibility" reason; maybe that was his salemanship, but at least for the moment I wasn't feeling all alone in this and I had a way to fight back.
You can't let a business fleece you like that, buck back or they will shuck you like an ear of corn! Not to mention, when I let this teenager of mine learn how to drive, oh, just imagine what the insurance requirements will do to the monthly bill!
Yeah, the system bites. So I'm bucking back! My auto insurance renewal papers arrived, with a monthly bill that is 17 dollars higher per month. Last year, on receiving the renewal papers, it had gone up 12 dollars per month. I considered switching to another insurer, but thought I might call them first.
The lady was quite congenial and heard my concerns. She said there were two reasons for the raise in my rates. The first reason is what floored me.
"Based on recent credit rating information, your 'financial responsibility' has had a recent change." I know the meaning of those words, but asked her for more explanation.
"It could be that you have a credit card close to the limit, or some other thing that is showing on your credit report. The company we deal with is ______________, I could give you their number." She appealed kindly.
"No thanks. I really don't see what my financial responsibility might have to do with auto insurance. My driving record has remained clean for the past five years."
"Oh yes," she confirmed, "you are getting the good driver discount." I did not indulge any information about my credit card balance or that I bought a house with my mother in 2007. They got the address change, and anything else was none of their business. All that is their business, is my driving record. I do also seem to recall the monthly rate going up a little when I moved to this side of town, but many people I discussed this with also had similar situations, because maybe there is a higher rate of accidents on this side of town....never mind that I am now in a house where my car can reside safely in a garage....Hellooooo!!!! Yeah, I had let that one go.
So, that's it. The only way I can legally buck the system here, is to call another insurance company. This I did, resulting in changing over to another insurer, for 27dollars less a month. "Financial responsibility..." , this is none of their flippin' business....how dare they discriminate? I'm done...the new insurance takes effect in two days and I called gleefully to cancel the other. The agent at the new insurance company also guffawed at that "financial responsibility" reason; maybe that was his salemanship, but at least for the moment I wasn't feeling all alone in this and I had a way to fight back.
You can't let a business fleece you like that, buck back or they will shuck you like an ear of corn! Not to mention, when I let this teenager of mine learn how to drive, oh, just imagine what the insurance requirements will do to the monthly bill!
Rhode Island, 2010. Following My Heart.
Rhode Island, 2010, from 6/16 to 6/20. Such a short trip. But I got to take these things with me:
The feel of the Rhode Island sun with a rambunctious wind whipping around me...
The feel of being surrounded by water, though I was not...
The sight of my dad, looking, at times, lively, though preoccupied. He said something like, "Now you can see for yourself." I love it. He is not a quitter, but he does seem concerned about all the meds....
The taste of true New England "chowda", as a friendly Rhode Islander taught me to say it...I must say, it's good--
Knowledge, of what makes anyone go to this little state anyway. I just went to see my dad, but I can see other appeal in it...
A feeling of more closeness to Dad, Ann, my sister Amelia. I consider them all family and family is so important....
A little bit of jet lag, I mean, time flew while we were there, but it was relaxing...Dad would fix me a tall cup of java in the morning and I'd just sit and take my time with it, watching Austen and Amelia play with the cute little dog...and Austen got by just fine without t.v., a computer, or hand-held games, I had to let him take over the camera though..... so we've come back with lots of interesting pictures and maybe he's not so bad at this photography thing....
A taste for healthy, organic food, since that is what they eat at Dad's house, and I've got some new ideas now for recipes....
The sight of my dad opening his Father's Day card from me, soemthing I haven't seen in---how many years? Shoot, I'm 42, but I still want him to be my dad...
It was worth the jet lag. The disequilibrium. Such a short trip, as I've had to get Austen started with his Math tutoring ASAP.
So yes, jetlag, (I'm still discombobulated and sometimes feel as if rocking), but the experience too, and the memories. All are still here with me the day after.
Hitting the "End" Button on My Cell Phone
June, 2010. It follows the "I love you." It is not final. It is just a good bye for now, and always follows "I love you." But I have at times had trouble believing that. I have, at times, had trouble with the goodbye following "I love you."
My dad and I have been distant at times. He left his marriage to my mom, and the state where I live when I was eleven. He flew me up to see him, once or twice a year. He talked to me on the phone, tried to still be my dad. But we were distant, and sometimes estranged. There were goodbyes with huge spaces in between them.
He checked in to rehab and recovered from alcoholism when I was twenty. He truly did seem to have a "spiritual awakening." This made him more present in my life, even if from afar. He was full of excellent advice and nothing but positive encouragement for me after that. I am sure that helped me in my college endeavor. Lately, he has regularly called me on Sundays. The marriage to his third wife seems to have been a healthy choice, and they both have a healthy lifestyle together. So it was shocking finding out recently that he'd suffered a heart attack at his young age of 65.
He had gone in for a procedure in April, because of an extra heartbeat. Forgive me if I don't remember all of the scientific terms and I don't think I ever will. It seems to be a mental block....I don't want to be familiar with cardiovascular health issues. At any rate, the procedure to fix his extra heartbeat caused blockages and therefore, he had a heart attack.
Listening to him on the phone the day after, speaking to me from his hospital bed in critical care, he sounded so weak. He said, "This really makes you start to think about what really matters." I have admired his spiritual change but can't quite understand the way he works, as a contractor with military logistics, he moves around after jobs, sometimes commutes...I am only to ponder on what he meant with those words, but they choked me up, and I started to think what that statement means for me.
If you thought this day would be your last, wouldn't you want to take the extra step to show those you love how you feel? I haven't seen my dad in two years. That was at my brother's wedding. He's busy, I'm busy. We have our own respective families and lifestyles. In my adult years, I have not approved of his frequent moves. (I loved the house in San Diego, would've loved visiting again...) I've also at times adopted the attitude: "Well, I haven't seen him in two years. If he wants to see us, he can.....visit, send a plane ticket, etc." I guess it's a form of detachment. It's also a little selfish, but a self-preserving mechanism, I'm sure.
Dad was in the hospital a few days; some things weren't looking so good. My brother decided to take time off of work and spend time with him, visit, sit with him in the hospital, hopefully see him on his way back to wellness. He was afraid of losing him finally, too. I chose to stay here, as my son had to work to pull up his grades at the end of this year, but the whole time, I felt divided. I have almost lost my dad before at age 10 due to a hiatal hernia. Those memories came back, and I walked on eggshells for the 7-10 days he was in the hospital. Eric (my brother) was really good about calling me and keeping me posted. It was probably a bonding time for them. Dad finally got released, but is still weak and on the mend.
I just ended a phone call with my dad and pushed the end button once again. After "I love you," came "I'll see you Wednesday." Now that the worry and drama has eased, my son has passed eighth grade, and my work year is almost over. I purchased airplane tickets 2-3 weeks ago to see Dad, his wife, and adopted daughter for a brief visit. I like his family. I am going to see him a little late I guess. But family is one thing that really matters. Did they need me there during the fear and drama of his hospitalization? I think not. In a way it would've made me feel better, though. Why am I going now? Because it's been two years, and because I can.
My dad and I have been distant at times. He left his marriage to my mom, and the state where I live when I was eleven. He flew me up to see him, once or twice a year. He talked to me on the phone, tried to still be my dad. But we were distant, and sometimes estranged. There were goodbyes with huge spaces in between them.
He checked in to rehab and recovered from alcoholism when I was twenty. He truly did seem to have a "spiritual awakening." This made him more present in my life, even if from afar. He was full of excellent advice and nothing but positive encouragement for me after that. I am sure that helped me in my college endeavor. Lately, he has regularly called me on Sundays. The marriage to his third wife seems to have been a healthy choice, and they both have a healthy lifestyle together. So it was shocking finding out recently that he'd suffered a heart attack at his young age of 65.
He had gone in for a procedure in April, because of an extra heartbeat. Forgive me if I don't remember all of the scientific terms and I don't think I ever will. It seems to be a mental block....I don't want to be familiar with cardiovascular health issues. At any rate, the procedure to fix his extra heartbeat caused blockages and therefore, he had a heart attack.
Listening to him on the phone the day after, speaking to me from his hospital bed in critical care, he sounded so weak. He said, "This really makes you start to think about what really matters." I have admired his spiritual change but can't quite understand the way he works, as a contractor with military logistics, he moves around after jobs, sometimes commutes...I am only to ponder on what he meant with those words, but they choked me up, and I started to think what that statement means for me.
If you thought this day would be your last, wouldn't you want to take the extra step to show those you love how you feel? I haven't seen my dad in two years. That was at my brother's wedding. He's busy, I'm busy. We have our own respective families and lifestyles. In my adult years, I have not approved of his frequent moves. (I loved the house in San Diego, would've loved visiting again...) I've also at times adopted the attitude: "Well, I haven't seen him in two years. If he wants to see us, he can.....visit, send a plane ticket, etc." I guess it's a form of detachment. It's also a little selfish, but a self-preserving mechanism, I'm sure.
Dad was in the hospital a few days; some things weren't looking so good. My brother decided to take time off of work and spend time with him, visit, sit with him in the hospital, hopefully see him on his way back to wellness. He was afraid of losing him finally, too. I chose to stay here, as my son had to work to pull up his grades at the end of this year, but the whole time, I felt divided. I have almost lost my dad before at age 10 due to a hiatal hernia. Those memories came back, and I walked on eggshells for the 7-10 days he was in the hospital. Eric (my brother) was really good about calling me and keeping me posted. It was probably a bonding time for them. Dad finally got released, but is still weak and on the mend.
I just ended a phone call with my dad and pushed the end button once again. After "I love you," came "I'll see you Wednesday." Now that the worry and drama has eased, my son has passed eighth grade, and my work year is almost over. I purchased airplane tickets 2-3 weeks ago to see Dad, his wife, and adopted daughter for a brief visit. I like his family. I am going to see him a little late I guess. But family is one thing that really matters. Did they need me there during the fear and drama of his hospitalization? I think not. In a way it would've made me feel better, though. Why am I going now? Because it's been two years, and because I can.
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