Sci-fi Book Trailer for Detours in Time

A Bright New School Year

Where is that purpose I felt
when I first entered this job?
Has it been stomped on by policies
and politicians,
by lack of appreciation
from those I serve?

Is it ever to return?
Will there be a springtime
in my heart
reawakening to my
joy in teaching, nurturing, leading....
Is there hope?

Dusty barren deserted land
of my mind
Just like the writer's block
on which I lay fatigued...
the ground cracks
for a seedling to sprout forth!

I feel it poke its way through
my heart,
nourished by one little raindrop
of hope....
I know it will one day bloom and
dance for joy!

For after the withering and dying winter,
regeneration returns....
and I am curious
to see what flower
comes forward this time,
as we give it another try.

A New Friend

Octogenerian......
A label some might dislike
But I think it a title with pride

With reference to a history,
Many splendid tales to tell,
Exotic places visited
A life lived well.

To make it so far,
you must be so strong
Maybe made some mistakes,
but always moved on.

You are alive, with electric eyes.
Hazel? Green?  Blue? Wide awake,
beautiful electric eyes
that have seen so much.

Many of this age
wears scars of proof.
I don't see any on you,
maybe not today.

Today there is a bright
cheerful attitude,
loving the sky, loving life.
A humor, and a wide smile.

Though we just met recently,
please know that you
have had an affect on me.
Your smile, your wit, your outlook.

I think of it when my days are hard.
When I feel I'm losing my youth,
Wishing I was someone else.
I will still be me, just smiling, like you.  

 

Shrinking Violet

"There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
   people won't feel insecure around you."  Marianne Williamson

     The dream goes like this:  I am sick.  I cannot speak or make a single sound with my mouth.  I hear beautiful music and it frustrates me, yet pleases me at the same time.  I open my mouth and feel pain, but cannot produce any expressive noise or words. I move closer to a plant that is growing beautiful flowers; they are orchids or lilies.  I take the outer petals of the flowers and eat them.  Suddenly, I am singing beautifully.  I am growing, and I am life.

      In a training session for elder duty at my church I was asked to look at this poem in relation to my faith.  The first thing this line reminds me of is the term "shrinking violet."  While my reasons for being a "shrinking violet" were probably not to protect others feelings, my role as shrinking violet certainly was not enlightened.  Digging deeper into my faith has caused me to dig up a lot that I haven't thought about in a long time. There are dark spaces inside, but there are also places that filter in the light.


     Among the dark spots on my faith journey are the many times I stuck to being a shrinking violet, not to prevent others from feeling insecure, but to avoid conflict.  Avoiding conflict was a constant goal of mine, or perhaps we should say it became more of an instinct.  Needless to say when avoiding conflict is your ultimate goal, one is not living fully to their potential. There is also a saying "Don't squander your talents", "Don't hide and your light under a bushel." Evidently people do this all the time, and I'm not so unusual. But when we were singing that song about this little light of mine in Sunday school, I suppose I didn't get the metaphor. Or maybe survival was more important to me.

     My upbringing in a household with one alcoholic parent and the other frustrated and constantly the peacemaker taught me  that I should be the person to avoid conflict. Maybe because the peacemaker was the woman? Perhaps that's how I learned my role ? Maybe I took the role of man to be "rules the house with anger." To this day I can't stand sitting at a table when someone pounds it in excitement, anger, or frustration. Fortunately, my dad went on to rehab when I was 20, and was no longer a drinker. By that point, my habits and misconceptions were set.  However, I must give my dad thanks for strongly encouraging me to go to college, because when I went through high school, my life was not geared towards that. The only honors class I took was English, because I just love that subject and wanted to see if I could do it. It seems that drying out helped him become more supportive and encouraging, even if it was through long-distance.  So I have to say, I went to college and excelled because he told me I could do it, so I wanted to prove him right.  He even funded my first two years.

     Flash forward to age 25.  I am about to get married to an attractive guy I met at a party.  He blew me away with his ownership of me.  How he could not live without me or bear to see me with another guy.  I actually did have second thoughts the day o f the wedding.  I did not heed them.  I am a sort who usually sticks with a choice I have made.  Abandoning the relationship would have hurt him.  Calling off the wedding would as well.  Everything seemed to hinge on preserving his feelings.  What about mine?  They were on the back-burner.  I had to be the peace-maker.  His heavy drinking did not help matters.  But I was still the peace-maker.  I had earned a college degree and a professional job in management,  but he overshadowed and made me second guess every decision I made.  Saying certain things at a party could set him off as well.  I obviously wasn't growing as a person.  My spiritual growth was stunted.  Sunday morning would be a hung-over day just as much as Saturday.  Then came my pregnancy, and the birth of our perfect baby.  Keeping the peace was more important now.

     Let me tell you, that only lasted so long.  Knowing my son would one day understand all the horrible things my husband was saying to me, the accusations, the name-calling, even thinly veiled threats, made me fear the way his perception of a mother's role or even a wife's role might turn out.  Would he one day believe all those things his dad was saying TO MY FACE and I would just try to go into the other room, being a survivor, never a fighter.  My only way to fight back was to preserve my dignity and my sanity and leave.  Looking back, it is apparent that I was forever shrinking so that he wouldn't be insecure around me, or because of me.  But this was also motivated by fear.  Insecure people grow angry, they manipulate, they try to cut you down to size.  I would allow that so his anger would JUST STOP.  I did not want my son to grow up in that household.  Sadly, he later came to see his dad as the outcast family member, cut-off.  For years, he would fight to defend this perceived "underdog." But that is an entirely different battle.

     For the most part, I have raised my son as a single parent.  There were some relationships.  They grew stale or were revealed to be the wrong situation, for one reason or the other.  I pride myself on the fact that I did not get married prematurely again.  I did not jump into another family situation or have another child,  thus making myself dependent on a man.  I can't see how some women go through pregnancy alone, my hat's off to you.  I have often used my gifts as self-therapy, not always to help others.  But I would like to share them with the world.  It still purges my spirit to produce something with my gifts, words, a song, prose or poems.  The world may take it or leave it.  And I still have my voice.  I am feeling an increasing need to speak out with this voice.     I want to speak and plant seeds with my words.  Ideas will grow, and there will be no more shrinking.     
    

Words

Oh what a tangled web, these words,
That once spoken, can't be unheard.

But, what a prison, words unspoken,
allowing the chains to stay unbroken.




copyright 2015,  Pamela Schloesser

My untraditional Christmas

      Sometimes it's okay to give yourself a break from tradition.  It may even start some new traditions. 

     So, we didn't do a tree this year.  I one day realized it was December 20th, and my mom, who is always the one excited about Christmas decorations, hadn't gotten my son to bring the tree out of storage.  Is Mom alright?  She's just fine, but this year, she and I have been faced with many days of having to beg, bargain or manipulate to get my son out of bed.  You see, on top of some emotional issues, there have been a few alcohol and drug incidents with him, and since the last very serious incident, he has not been the same.   He has even been given a mental health diagnosis.  So, I figured that it just became impossible to get his help and neither of us wants to do it on our own.  When one member of the family suffers, it affects the whole family.
      In a published article from BBC News, a writer stated that anyone would give a person suffering a broken leg a free pass at Christmas time, and that we should be able to give ourselves a free pass in the cases of inner suffering.  Those in their first holiday after losing a loved one, those struggling with their own mental illness and depression, or that of a loved one.  Inner suffering is not always visible.  The retail and capitalistic pressures of the season are a bit much, even for those who are completely healthy.  I have been silently boycotting the mall at Christmas time for years, having had more than my share in my former 15 year retail career.  So, I decided, it was our right to forgo the tree.  I had even asked my son if he wanted the tree up.  He said no.  I think our alternate decorations were quite beautiful. 
     I even succeeded at staying out of the mall,  until my son got a Christmas check to spend.  He said he needed sunglasses and requested to go to the mall.  Funny thing is,  when we were there, we found that the sunglasses shop was upstairs.  He told me adamantly that he would not go upstairs.  I don't know what was behind that; he doesn't always share what's in his mind.  So, suffice it to say,  nothing was bought at the mall and I was not happy.  I will chalk it up to his own mall anxiety, but I really wish he hadn't asked to go there in the first place, because it sealed some bitterness I was already feeling about that money.
     Believe me, I have felt guilty enough about feeling that bitterness.  (Quaint, isn't it, the way one negative feeling leads to another...).  However, my son is not prepared to go to work.  Finances are strained because of Christmas shopping, because he turned 18 this year and because I decided to stop seeking court-ordered support from his father, and any promised offer of help is always deferred.  It's an issue in itself and I just need to stop worrying.  At any rate,  I had taken my son to get a filling, the price being around $100 even after insurance.  I paid for said filling.  Then, I, gritting my teeth, took him to cash a Christmas check from his dad. I informed him he should buy lunch; it would cost much less than that filling. He did not argue but looked at me funny. I said, "You got this nice check and aren't really "sure" what you need. Well, you "needed" that filling, and I paid for it. You "need" lunch and you can pay..." So, he bought lunch and got his Grandma a gift. After all, I braved the mall so he could look and decide what he "needed." It's never too late to learn, money is not one sided.  Yet, why did I feel so guilty and bitter at reacting this way?  Obviously, there is too much that I do lately simply because I HAVE to.  I feel responsible for everything, yet I control nothing.  Not a great feeling.
     In short, I excused myself from doing all of the Christmas rituals that we have "always done" just because we have "always done" them.  For that truly would have been my main purpose.  Some people may tell me that is not how I am supposed to feel.  Please don't tell me how I am supposed to feel.    I felt that this was one more thing I would do because no one else in the house had the stamina to care if it was done.  Would I suddenly feel Christmas cheer during the task of putting up and decorating a tree?  No doubt, my son would have jumped in, right?  In my mind, I came up with a resounding "No."  Instead, I felt the joy of stringing up those lights, and being done in 15 minutes.  That is the extent of decorating that I could handle this year, and I was alright with that.
     Instead of hearing the expected "Bah, humbug" from me, what you would hear about this Christmas from my mouth is:  I spent time with family.  I attended church service, and even though Christmas Eve dinner was un-traditionally enjoyed at Golden Corral instead of in our home, it was enjoyed and shared with family.  This Christmas,  I reflected on how thankful I am for my boyfriend of 5 years, who has suffered his own family losses in the last year, how thankful I am that my son is alive and not using substances, and how glad I am that my mom is still with us and quite healthy.  Not to mention the shelter dog who came into our lives over a month ago, that furry toddler bringing joy, unconditional love, and energy when we didn't think we had any left.
     Christmas presents were left untouched until after dinner Christmas day.  Traditionally, we would open them after church Christmas Eve.  But I go to a different church than Mom now, and she went to her service after attending ours.  On Christmas Eve,  my son and I rode past some beautifully decorated homes.  Then, he went to bed early, like usual, and I read a book in the "decorated" living room, snuggled next to my dog.  I didn't feel the need to dig into presents.    I already had received many presents, and I didn't go nuts trying to shop wisely or decorate perfectly.  I gave myself a little break this year.  After all, there is a lot of self-doubt and self-derision going on within me on how I have handled my son's situation this year,  but I can see the sunrise scattering the darkness.  I shared love and joy with my family this Christmas.   I am blessed, and I am thankful.                

Puppy Love

by Pamela Schloesser, copyright 2014

He's cute, he's cuddly

not afraid to touch me

always loves Mommy.  

My son as a toddler.

Lays his head on my chest.

Nothing inappropriate.

Gives sticky hugs without warning,

loves sitting in my lap.

One day that became unaccepted.

 

He grows afraid to hug me.

Is full of smells and dirt;

That doesn't bother him.

I still hug my 12 year old.   

He shrugs. Closeness?  No thanks.

He grew troubled with the years.

I call him to me and he balks.

Years of awkward hesitant hugs,

distant in family photos.  

He's cute and cuddly,

jumps in my lap.

Forever a toddler,

never to grow up.

Loves being touched.

Always will.  Never unaccepted.

His puppy head rests on my chest,

always cute, never outgrown.

Onlookers, they just smile. 

My forever toddler,

the canine family member;

he finds him troublesome.  

It wants and gives affection.

I just eat it up.

He stays distant.

Until that long car ride.

Both tired and napping,

Dog's head resting on his lap.  

 

Canine love.   Bridges the gulf between us.

Doggone!  I knew he had it in him. Love.

   

Hope glimmers

It seemed an exciting start,
born in a fabulous place

The light still never leaves my eyes
even when it's left my face

And I can shoot my words with tact,
even when I'm lacking grace

With such keen sense of duty,
I don't plan to win the race

It may be just odd circumstance
that dumped me in this place.

I still will make the best of it,
I swear to you I will

Life is fun, not tragedy
no matter how big the pill

I'm going make like the singer Kate....
keep running up that hill.

Cedar Key - Off the beaten path

Ah, Cedar Key, a lovely vacation spot off the beaten path, with plenty of old Florida charm.  Water surrounds you, and you can get anywhere you need to with a golf cart, or your own well-shoed feet.

     As we drove into Cedar Key, we passed Kona Joe’s Coffee Shop and Annie’s Café.  So I knew where we’d be getting breakfast and coffee.  We checked into our room which was more like a one-bedroom condo with a balcony over-looking the beach area and marina.  Really, we couldn’t have asked for a better view!  We walked around, stepping into some of the art galleries, then we surveyed the boardwalk area on our first afternoon there, and I stepped into the Pickled Pelican.  I was just there to see their menu, but they were very friendly and I knew we’d have to go back and eat there at some point.

     We ended up changing clothes and going to Seabreeze on the boardwalk for our first dinner in Cedar Key.  It had been suggested, so I tried the Heart of Palm salad, which was more like a dessert!  It had pineapple, peaches, and was covered in pistachio nut ice cream.  I had to skim off some ice cream, but it was otherwise quite interesting.  I had started with the crab bisque, so it was just enough for dinner.   Kenny had blackened flounder, and of course he let me try some!  It was great!  The dining room was surrounded by glass windows, giving a great view of all of the water.  Toward the end of dinner, we could see dark clouds come rolling in.  It wasn’t long before it started raining and we rushed to the room, but once there, it was a great show on the balcony watching everyone rush madly from boats or boardwalk to their cars or rooms. 

     Friday morning we ate at Annie’s Café.  The food was excellent, the service was just okay.   They also did not take credit cards, so it seems more of a place for locals.  I enjoyed the breakfast though.  I am just glad it wasn’t busier.  It appears they have to cool off with fans; there didn’t seem to be any air conditioning.

     Lunch on Friday was at Tony’s, home of the award winning clam chowder!  Yes, it was that good!  I’d heard mixed reviews about the service, but our server was just fine.  Mind you, we were there during off-season, and had no wait at all for a table, which put us in a great mood for lunch.  I would definitely go back again for their chowder.  Let’s not think about the sodium content, I just want to remember that creamy chowder with tender, tasty morsels of clam.   It went down really quickly!

     That afternoon we laid out and swam in the beach despite a slight drizzle and the in and out appearance of sunshine.  Well, I didn’t swim; the rains had brought a lot of seaweed to the shore, but Kenny’s tells me the water was a really nice temperature.

     Friday night we hit the Pickled Pelican.  I had blackened Mahi and it was awesome!  A huge party came in, threatening our peace and quiet, so, we decided to visit Black Dog bar and tables.  (Offering “Adult Daycare,” or so the sign says.  I wouldn’t mind staying there for daycareJ)  I had red sangria.  Ummm, tasty!  This place has various games, and people can smoke cigars but not cigarettes (Bonus)!  There is funky art on the walls and they have games, including corn hole, chess, and Dominoes.  I sat in one of the barber chairs.  The young bartender was also very nice, suggesting where we could go for a great glimpse of the sunset on the west coast of Florida.  We found a great place though, and though we didn’t see the sun set, we saw the colors changing as it slipped lower into some clouds.   This was just further along the boardwalk.  It was beautiful.

     On the way out of Cedar Key, we stopped at Kona Joe’s so I could get some good coffee.  They had quiche, but I had already had breakfast.  The coffee was iced, flavored, sweet.  We sat on the deck, in cushioned lounge chairs, looking out at the water.  Dogs are allowed there, and one couple had a cute dalmation.  The owner is an older man who looks like he’s also on vacation, serving up coffee and breakfast in a tie-dye shirt.   For the off-season, this place still was hopping, though Kenny pointed out that some restaurants were currently closed.  But I think, if you get even more vacationers and restaurants open, this place would still be a booming business.

      Now I know that our visit to Cedar Key was in the off-season, and it’s too hot to enjoy all this place has to offer, but I hated seeing a number of shops/restaurants in Cedar Key that are closed down, be it just temporarily or for good.  Perhaps my next stay will be in a cooler, calmer season.   I will definitely go back and try to keep this place a thriving center for tourism!

What's eating you?

     Since my discovery that I have a type of IBS, it has been obvious that things tend to eat at me from the inside.  Could it be the marriage I was in, and had to leave?  Could it be my current living situation with myself, my son, and my mother, wrought with all the parental confusion over who tells who how to live, or how to parent?   Don't get me wrong, I love them both.  Maybe part of my problem has been the escape I used to attempt through drinking, even if only one drink per night, to "ease the tension."  My job certainly can be stressful at times, as well.  All can add up to a little bit too much on the stomach.
     Sometimes, I know that the main answer is just letting go.  Some things I can, others I cannot, especially when I look at my 17 year old, or see how he is behaving, and I know that I am still a big part of shaping him as a person.  It can be quite daunting.
     I seriously don't like it when his mood or behavior start to remind me of his father.  That is quite hard on me.  It makes me wonder what his dad is like when they are together and I am not around.  There have probably been too many years of this, and now, I see, my son has probably stomached a whole lot himself, kept it inside.  I ask God's forgiveness for that.  Then, I ask God to guide me the rest of the way.  Because my job sure isn't over.
     So much to think about, heavy, I know.  I was in the car with my son and someone else the other day and I just totally retreated into myself.  That has not been my habit in a very long time.  My current escape is through great books and Science Fiction movies.  Zoning out hasn't happened in a while, but I was upset.  So, here, in short, is my ode to zoning out, and knowing, it is not completely a bad thing.  Oddly, no one disturbed me until the car stopped, and, Look!  It got me writing again:

Staring out the window,
I let the thoughts drift in

damp and mildewy
dark and dusty
warm and fuzzy
or cold and sharp...

some, an electric jumpstart to the 
system, rare, but
a true thing

or, an uncomfortable brick-
best to leave behind.

It's okay that they all reared
an ugly head, or a
beautiful smile again.

I know they are all there -
always.  
And I can release them, again,
whenever I want.  
They are part of me   

Bonding over Gaga

He's 15, I'm 43, and Lord, we sure don't usually agree on a radio station!  However, things are a- changing!  I am told all the time by our counselor, my mother, and the books I read:  "You need to have more conversations that don't involve giving directions, and try to connect with your son!"  So why not bond over music? I mean, it is popular culture, and what makes for a better conversation piece?

Lady Gaga

For the longest time we could never agree on what music to listen to.  I have been into blues, rock, and sometimes alternative.  He would switch it to 93.3 (hardcore) and 97.9 ( a little more bearable).  Okay, maybe I'm blurring the lines between hip hop and pop, but last summer we both loved the Eminem/Rihanni song "The Way You Lie."  No one asked for a channel change!  I sang along!  He pretended not to!  It was great!

So, it helps that I won a pass and have been attending dance fitness classes that mostly jam to, you guessed it, hip hop!   And I must say, I am getting used to the pulsating, danceable rythms...they are actually growing on me!  Now, when I pick him up from somewhere, he opens the car door and says, "Man!  Do you really need the music that loud?"  Are you loving the role-reversal as much as I am?  I allow him to turn it down, but he is usually alright with the music selection.   I have lately had a lot of interesting conversations with him about Lady Gaga, queen of the outrageous.  He knows the songs,  I know of the latest buzz about her ever-changing wardrobe.  She is pushing the boundaries, meat-dress included, but I shall talk no more of that, because a meat-dress is just downright stupid.  Having said that, Gaga is really outrageous, just like that long-remembered 80's icon, Madonna.  She pushed the boundaries, dressed and danced sexy; the similiarities are obvious and glaring.

The original.

Anytime her recent song, "Born this Way", came on, I would play it and sing along.  I, of course, had to point out to him the resemblance to Madonna's "Express Yourself."  The pitch, the beat, the bridge, add in any other musical terms you like....just take a listen to both and you'll see what I mean.  I am, of course, not a music expert, but I have a good ear, as my son has.  I think he enjoyed this type of conversation.  I also informed him of the outrageous costumes, lingerie on stage, suggestive dances, dyed hair, huge hair accessories, and other various things Gaga seems to have "borrowed" from the 80's icon.  Guess what?  Madonna was huge and is probably still living off her 80's earnings.  Gaga seems to be catching on much the same way.   I have poked fun at her and slammed her for being unoriginal.  But she sure seems successful.  My son loves these conversations.  I actually sound like I know something about pop culture.   

But I can't deny that I totally get goosebumps when I hear her latest song,  "Edge of Glory."  Everything is great: her voice, the beat, pretty catchy lyrics too.....I will crank it up and sing along, shimmying my shoulders while driving, inspiring my son to HIDE HIS FACE.  Parents today, we're embarassing.  He'll be alright.  At any rate, I have searched her video on youtube so I could download it.  There she is, blond bob (with hint of black), heavy black eyeliner, and leather lingerie with what seems to be metal accents.  Sound familiar?

Let me just enjoy the song.  We'll have to stay away from the video.  In other genres of pop culture, one of the summer reading books in my son's school is Into the Wild , a true story about a young man he gave up all the monetary trappings of his family and society, and went alone to live off of the land.   We have both seen the movie.  I suggest you do, too.  It was also shown in his Geography class last year, another source for many bonding conversations.  Hey, at this point, if he is willing to talk to me about it, I will have (or develop) an interest, no matter how objective! 



Not bad, old girl. Not bad.

 Summer 2005

5/29/11:  So today is the "big" day (b-day) and I'm well on the way into my forties.  I still would like a better life, and it's been a little challenging lately, but it's really not that bad, and I have accomplished some good things in my life.  One more year passing tells me that I have more chances.  I've lived, I've loved, I've aged.  And I think that's great!

Today, I went to the grocery store with my son and ran into a former student that I taught in 8th grade two years ago.  She smiled and said, "I remember you.  Do you remember me?"

"Oh yeah," I smiled, " Your hair was blond back then!"

"Wow," she exclaimed.  "That seems like so long ago!"  It amazed me to think that she is only a year older than my son, and now she works at the grocery, and is about to be a junior in high school.

She was really so nice to me.  Back in school she was not.  I think she once said she hated me.  She mentioned, "I was so bad back then!  I would never want to be a teacher.  I remember I got thrown out all the time." 

I said, "I remember that too!"  At which the other cashier laughed.  She laughed with me too.  She didn't have to apologize.  Just her courteous behavior today and laughing with me, and heck, saying she remembered me made me feel good.  That and seeing she is responsible enough to have a job! :-)  It makes me feel proud, and that maybe I did something memorable to aid her in her growth, knowing she remembers me with a smile and a laugh.  It was a bright light on this special day.

I got an excellent facebook message from my Uncle Bob, mentioning "let's ride horse or rapids again...but no skydiving!"  And I think, yeah, it's been a pretty good life.  I haven't gone skydiving yet, but I plan to, (against the advice of many including Uncle Bob).  I'd also like to learn to personally fly a Cessna over the Grand Canyon, because that flirty pilot from last time really got me thinking when he said I was the take-over pilot if he passed out!  I still haven't been to Europe, but I'm dreaming and hoping.   I can look back at some good things, and I can look forward to even better, because, even though I think this summer is going to be hard work, I have always, always known how to save, plan, and dream. 

Re-aligning the soul

Sometimes you just need to get back in line, because, admit it, things throw you off.  Little things, like an argument with my teenage son, a week off of work that brings cloudy weather when I most want to get out and explore!  Other things include - eating wrong because you enjoyed what you ate, sleeping too much on that week off because you could, and therefore ended up with snoozer's back...., worries about money, etc. etc.  Luckily, nothing is too horrible this week, but lately I seem to have constant tension in the neck.  I'm putting off the massage, for monetary reasons, and haven't been to yoga because of changes in my son's schedule.  Yet, when I miss yoga, I know how much I need it.  It helps with the tension in the neck, the snoozer's back, digestive discomfort, and even temporarily can wipe away any worries on my mind.  And because of this stressful schedule, I get there less now.  But I shall sit here and stew over my worries no longer, as I'm going to a yoga class this morning.  I will try to reinstate my "home yoga" with the DVD, though the atmosphere is not quite the same (sometimes your family is one of the stressors you want to escape).    Yes, I said that.  Research shows that even good things in your life can be stressors.
     Part of the family stressor is that one of us is a teenager, and Lord knows they have an awful lot of turmoil within...it is easily catchy.  I try very hard to greet life and its challenges calmly, and hope that whatever might catch going from myself to my teen, is a calm, cool composure, perhaps even a positive outlook on life.  The best way I can do that is to work on myself individually to calm whatever turmoil brews.  I owe myself an apology.  I have neglected that.  Sure, I get plenty of sleep and allow time for exercise and reading a book, but my body, my back, my neck is screaming for yoga!   Temporary (and that's the best we get while on earth) Nirvana awaits.  At that, I have to go get ready so that I don't let one more thing interfere with what I need to do.

A Little Healthy "Rule-Breaking"

June 2010
Do you ever just sit and glower in hate at those beautiful people who can eat whatever they want? Well, now I do. I've considered myself a healthy person for a while, several years I would say. I'd eat red meat just now and then, eat granola bars often, lost all the baby weight 4 months after giving birth. (But let me tell you, I did not do it the healthy way. I was simply too busy, catching up at work, catching up with baby when I got home, and never, ever, did I look good enough to me). Somewhere along the line I allowed my son to drag me back into the fast food habit, sometime after becoming a divorced, working mom. He loves Chik-Fil-A, for one, and so do I! However, their chicken is still fried.

For some reason, although I've always been a non-smoker, I got pleurisy last year, probably as a result of my almost-yearly spring-time bronchitis. My boyfriend calls me the allergy queen...though I don't think I'm as bad as his dog, who scratches himself against the metal fence! All these people who smoke, and I have to have the lung problems. Luckily I got over it. Only months later, I was having what seemed to be a gall-bladder attack. Cue in the guilt over my non-cooking, fast-food, eating-out, working mom lifestyle. After multiple tests, the doctor said I had spastic colon. "Watch the rich foods, fried foods, and sweets. Here's a prescription to calm down your digestive system." That prescription works like a charm, even calms me too! I also watch what I eat, haven't had a burger since last August, and only had roast beef once. I've gotten many great healthy ideas from my dad's wife, and from the Whole Foods Market.

I just wish I could be one of those rugged, cowgirl types. Like these men who always say "Gotta have my meat and potatoes." My boyfriend is one of them, but I'll tell you, he sure doesn't over-eat and always has some type of vegetable. Remember the song, "Where have all the cowboys gone?" Love it. It makes me think of those mavericks who ride hard, chase the herd, work all day, and eat what they want, some of them even lighting up a smoke after the work is done. The good old days, without consequences. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't sound romantic to me to smoke and I won't. I just want a blasted cheeseburger!

So, over this next weekend, probably on my boyfriend's birthday, I'm going to get one. I will not think about the consequences, though there most likely will be some, but I am going to enjoy it! Maybe I'll make it a yearly tradition. Rules are no fun if you don't break them now and then. To me, that's a little bit of what freedom is.

The Moment I Fell in Love....

Was beyond being  wooed by a kiss.  Beyond appreciating his kindness in fixing something for me,  beyond my joy in his laugh (which makes being around him lots of fun at times!).  It was when he unwittingly showed me how to appreciate the simplicity in dancing to a different drum...and I showed him something special to me.
Sept. 2010~

It was a calm, quiet dinner at Woody’s BBQ.  I loved my Carolina pulled pork and sweet potato.  He loved his salad, but not the stew.  When finished, he went outside for a smoke and I to the restroom.  I met him outside at the parking lot, where he was staring at a flock of geese standing in the middle of the parking lot.  They go to feed at the nearby pond.  I’ve at times had to dodge a duck while driving in that parking lot! 

“They’re Canadian Geese.”  He said.  “Canadian honkers.”  And yes, they were honking.

“They’re a long way from home,” I replied. 

“Yep.”  He had a smile on his face as he walked closer to them, reminding me of my little boy when he used to chase ducks.

“You gonna catch one?”  I asked, humored. 

“Yeah, there’s dinner,” he replied, jokingly.  He kept slowly moving his tall, lean frame closer, looking awed, while they collectively inched away.  A van drove through, carefully, while the ducks walked forward but not out of their way.  We both laughed at the van.  It was such a kid thing to do, I got a kick out of watching him. 

Then I realized we had a lot of time before our movie would start, so I suggested we take a drive.  I directed him to the park on

Mandarin Rd.

, and the boat landing right beside it.  We walked up on the dock, just in time to see the bright orange sun  slowly lower out of sight on the horizon.  “Good timing,” he said.  It was beautiful.  And then the sky was just blue with a bright orange- pink cast where the sun had been.  It was Sept. 18^th at 7:28 p.m.  The sun had just set, summer was slowly leaving us, and the sky was beautiful and the air was cooler, cool enough for a motorcycle ride that would wait until another day, and I was glad I took him there and shared with him this place, and this experience of sunset, that has touched me inside.  

(Sunset in St. Pete. ) 

Bucking the System!

'Cuz if you don't buck the system, baby, it's gonna bite you!  -July 2010

Yeah, the system bites. So I'm bucking back! My auto insurance renewal papers arrived, with a monthly bill that is 17 dollars higher per month. Last year, on receiving the renewal papers, it had gone up 12 dollars per month. I considered switching to another insurer, but thought I might call them first.

The lady was quite congenial and heard my concerns. She said there were two reasons for the raise in my rates. The first reason is what floored me.

"Based on recent credit rating information, your 'financial responsibility' has had a recent change." I know the meaning of those words, but asked her for more explanation.

"It could be that you have a credit card close to the limit, or some other thing that is showing on your credit report. The company we deal with is ______________, I could give you their number." She appealed kindly.

"No thanks. I really don't see what my financial responsibility might have to do with auto insurance. My driving record has remained clean for the past five years."

"Oh yes," she confirmed, "you are getting the good driver discount." I did not indulge any information about my credit card balance or that I bought a house with my mother in 2007. They got the address change, and anything else was none of their business. All that is their business, is my driving record. I do also seem to recall the monthly rate going up a little when I moved to this side of town, but many people I discussed this with also had similar situations, because maybe there is a higher rate of accidents on this side of town....never mind that I am now in a house where my car can reside safely in a garage....Hellooooo!!!! Yeah, I had let that one go.

So, that's it. The only way I can legally buck the system here, is to call another insurance company. This I did, resulting in changing over to another insurer, for 27dollars less a month. "Financial responsibility..." , this is none of their flippin' business....how dare they discriminate? I'm done...the new insurance takes effect in two days and I called gleefully to cancel the other. The agent at the new insurance company also guffawed at that "financial responsibility" reason; maybe that was his salemanship, but at least for the moment I wasn't feeling all alone in this and I had a way to fight back.

You can't let a business fleece you like that, buck back or they will shuck you like an ear of corn! Not to mention, when I let this teenager of mine learn how to drive, oh, just imagine what the insurance requirements will do to the monthly bill!

Rhode Island, 2010. Following My Heart.

There's nothing like flying to distort your sense of time, and my, time flies when you're....discombobulated.

Rhode Island, 2010, from 6/16 to 6/20. Such a short trip. But I got to take these things with me:
The feel of the Rhode Island sun with a rambunctious wind whipping around me...
The feel of being surrounded by water, though I was not...
The sight of my dad, looking, at times, lively, though preoccupied. He said something like, "Now you can see for yourself." I love it. He is not a quitter, but he does seem concerned about all the meds....
The taste of true New England "chowda", as a friendly Rhode Islander taught me to say it...I must say, it's good--
Knowledge, of what makes anyone go to this little state anyway. I just went to see my dad, but I can see other appeal in it...
A feeling of more closeness to Dad, Ann, my sister Amelia. I consider them all family and family is so important....
A little bit of jet lag, I mean, time flew while we were there, but it was relaxing...Dad would fix me a tall cup of java in the morning and I'd just sit and take my time with it, watching Austen and Amelia play with the cute little dog...and Austen got by just fine without t.v., a computer, or hand-held games, I had to let him take over the camera though..... so we've come back with lots of interesting pictures and maybe he's not so bad at this photography thing....
A taste for healthy, organic food, since that is what they eat at Dad's house, and I've got some new ideas now for recipes....
The sight of my dad opening his Father's Day card from me, soemthing I haven't seen in---how many years? Shoot, I'm 42, but I still want him to be my dad...
It was worth the jet lag. The disequilibrium. Such a short trip, as I've had to get Austen started with his Math tutoring ASAP.
So yes, jetlag, (I'm still discombobulated and sometimes feel as if rocking), but the experience too, and the memories. All are still here with me the day after.

Hitting the "End" Button on My Cell Phone

June, 2010.  It follows the "I love you." It is not final. It is just a good bye for now, and always follows "I love you." But I have at times had trouble believing that. I have, at times, had trouble with the goodbye following "I love you."

My dad and I have been distant at times. He left his marriage to my mom, and the state where I live when I was eleven. He flew me up to see him, once or twice a year. He talked to me on the phone, tried to still be my dad. But we were distant, and sometimes estranged. There were goodbyes with huge spaces in between them.

He checked in to rehab and recovered from alcoholism when I was twenty. He truly did seem to have a "spiritual awakening." This made him more present in my life, even if from afar. He was full of excellent advice and nothing but positive encouragement for me after that. I am sure that helped me in my college endeavor. Lately, he has regularly called me on Sundays. The marriage to his third wife seems to have been a healthy choice, and they both have a healthy lifestyle together. So it was shocking finding out recently that he'd suffered a heart attack at his young age of 65.

He had gone in for a procedure in April, because of an extra heartbeat. Forgive me if I don't remember all of the scientific terms and I don't think I ever will. It seems to be a mental block....I don't want to be familiar with cardiovascular health issues. At any rate, the procedure to fix his extra heartbeat caused blockages and therefore, he had a heart attack.

Listening to him on the phone the day after, speaking to me from his hospital bed in critical care, he sounded so weak. He said, "This really makes you start to think about what really matters." I have admired his spiritual change but can't quite understand the way he works, as a contractor with military logistics, he moves around after jobs, sometimes commutes...I am only to ponder on what he meant with those words, but they choked me up, and I started to think what that statement means for me.

If you thought this day would be your last, wouldn't you want to take the extra step to show those you love how you feel? I haven't seen my dad in two years. That was at my brother's wedding. He's busy, I'm busy. We have our own respective families and lifestyles. In my adult years, I have not approved of his frequent moves. (I loved the house in San Diego, would've loved visiting again...) I've also at times adopted the attitude: "Well, I haven't seen him in two years. If he wants to see us, he can.....visit, send a plane ticket, etc." I guess it's a form of detachment. It's also a little selfish, but a self-preserving mechanism, I'm sure.

Dad was in the hospital a few days; some things weren't looking so good. My brother decided to take time off of work and spend time with him, visit, sit with him in the hospital, hopefully see him on his way back to wellness. He was afraid of losing him finally, too. I chose to stay here, as my son had to work to pull up his grades at the end of this year, but the whole time, I felt divided. I have almost lost my dad before at age 10 due to a hiatal hernia. Those memories came back, and I walked on eggshells for the 7-10 days he was in the hospital. Eric (my brother) was really good about calling me and keeping me posted. It was probably a bonding time for them. Dad finally got released, but is still weak and on the mend.

I just ended a phone call with my dad and pushed the end button once again. After "I love you," came "I'll see you Wednesday." Now that the worry and drama has eased, my son has passed eighth grade, and my work year is almost over. I purchased airplane tickets 2-3 weeks ago to see Dad, his wife, and adopted daughter for a brief visit. I like his family. I am going to see him a little late I guess. But family is one thing that really matters. Did they need me there during the fear and drama of his hospitalization? I think not. In a way it would've made me feel better, though. Why am I going now? Because it's been two years, and because I can.