June, 2010. It follows the "I love you." It is not final. It is just a good bye for now, and always follows "I love you." But I have at times had trouble believing that. I have, at times, had trouble with the goodbye following "I love you."
My dad and I have been distant at times. He left his marriage to my mom, and the state where I live when I was eleven. He flew me up to see him, once or twice a year. He talked to me on the phone, tried to still be my dad. But we were distant, and sometimes estranged. There were goodbyes with huge spaces in between them.
He checked in to rehab and recovered from alcoholism when I was twenty. He truly did seem to have a "spiritual awakening." This made him more present in my life, even if from afar. He was full of excellent advice and nothing but positive encouragement for me after that. I am sure that helped me in my college endeavor. Lately, he has regularly called me on Sundays. The marriage to his third wife seems to have been a healthy choice, and they both have a healthy lifestyle together. So it was shocking finding out recently that he'd suffered a heart attack at his young age of 65.
He had gone in for a procedure in April, because of an extra heartbeat. Forgive me if I don't remember all of the scientific terms and I don't think I ever will. It seems to be a mental block....I don't want to be familiar with cardiovascular health issues. At any rate, the procedure to fix his extra heartbeat caused blockages and therefore, he had a heart attack.
Listening to him on the phone the day after, speaking to me from his hospital bed in critical care, he sounded so weak. He said, "This really makes you start to think about what really matters." I have admired his spiritual change but can't quite understand the way he works, as a contractor with military logistics, he moves around after jobs, sometimes commutes...I am only to ponder on what he meant with those words, but they choked me up, and I started to think what that statement means for me.
If you thought this day would be your last, wouldn't you want to take the extra step to show those you love how you feel? I haven't seen my dad in two years. That was at my brother's wedding. He's busy, I'm busy. We have our own respective families and lifestyles. In my adult years, I have not approved of his frequent moves. (I loved the house in San Diego, would've loved visiting again...) I've also at times adopted the attitude: "Well, I haven't seen him in two years. If he wants to see us, he can.....visit, send a plane ticket, etc." I guess it's a form of detachment. It's also a little selfish, but a self-preserving mechanism, I'm sure.
Dad was in the hospital a few days; some things weren't looking so good. My brother decided to take time off of work and spend time with him, visit, sit with him in the hospital, hopefully see him on his way back to wellness. He was afraid of losing him finally, too. I chose to stay here, as my son had to work to pull up his grades at the end of this year, but the whole time, I felt divided. I have almost lost my dad before at age 10 due to a hiatal hernia. Those memories came back, and I walked on eggshells for the 7-10 days he was in the hospital. Eric (my brother) was really good about calling me and keeping me posted. It was probably a bonding time for them. Dad finally got released, but is still weak and on the mend.
I just ended a phone call with my dad and pushed the end button once again. After "I love you," came "I'll see you Wednesday." Now that the worry and drama has eased, my son has passed eighth grade, and my work year is almost over. I purchased airplane tickets 2-3 weeks ago to see Dad, his wife, and adopted daughter for a brief visit. I like his family. I am going to see him a little late I guess. But family is one thing that really matters. Did they need me there during the fear and drama of his hospitalization? I think not. In a way it would've made me feel better, though. Why am I going now? Because it's been two years, and because I can.
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