Words

Oh what a tangled web, these words,
That once spoken, can't be unheard.

But, what a prison, words unspoken,
allowing the chains to stay unbroken.




copyright 2015,  Pamela Schloesser

My untraditional Christmas

      Sometimes it's okay to give yourself a break from tradition.  It may even start some new traditions. 

     So, we didn't do a tree this year.  I one day realized it was December 20th, and my mom, who is always the one excited about Christmas decorations, hadn't gotten my son to bring the tree out of storage.  Is Mom alright?  She's just fine, but this year, she and I have been faced with many days of having to beg, bargain or manipulate to get my son out of bed.  You see, on top of some emotional issues, there have been a few alcohol and drug incidents with him, and since the last very serious incident, he has not been the same.   He has even been given a mental health diagnosis.  So, I figured that it just became impossible to get his help and neither of us wants to do it on our own.  When one member of the family suffers, it affects the whole family.
      In a published article from BBC News, a writer stated that anyone would give a person suffering a broken leg a free pass at Christmas time, and that we should be able to give ourselves a free pass in the cases of inner suffering.  Those in their first holiday after losing a loved one, those struggling with their own mental illness and depression, or that of a loved one.  Inner suffering is not always visible.  The retail and capitalistic pressures of the season are a bit much, even for those who are completely healthy.  I have been silently boycotting the mall at Christmas time for years, having had more than my share in my former 15 year retail career.  So, I decided, it was our right to forgo the tree.  I had even asked my son if he wanted the tree up.  He said no.  I think our alternate decorations were quite beautiful. 
     I even succeeded at staying out of the mall,  until my son got a Christmas check to spend.  He said he needed sunglasses and requested to go to the mall.  Funny thing is,  when we were there, we found that the sunglasses shop was upstairs.  He told me adamantly that he would not go upstairs.  I don't know what was behind that; he doesn't always share what's in his mind.  So, suffice it to say,  nothing was bought at the mall and I was not happy.  I will chalk it up to his own mall anxiety, but I really wish he hadn't asked to go there in the first place, because it sealed some bitterness I was already feeling about that money.
     Believe me, I have felt guilty enough about feeling that bitterness.  (Quaint, isn't it, the way one negative feeling leads to another...).  However, my son is not prepared to go to work.  Finances are strained because of Christmas shopping, because he turned 18 this year and because I decided to stop seeking court-ordered support from his father, and any promised offer of help is always deferred.  It's an issue in itself and I just need to stop worrying.  At any rate,  I had taken my son to get a filling, the price being around $100 even after insurance.  I paid for said filling.  Then, I, gritting my teeth, took him to cash a Christmas check from his dad. I informed him he should buy lunch; it would cost much less than that filling. He did not argue but looked at me funny. I said, "You got this nice check and aren't really "sure" what you need. Well, you "needed" that filling, and I paid for it. You "need" lunch and you can pay..." So, he bought lunch and got his Grandma a gift. After all, I braved the mall so he could look and decide what he "needed." It's never too late to learn, money is not one sided.  Yet, why did I feel so guilty and bitter at reacting this way?  Obviously, there is too much that I do lately simply because I HAVE to.  I feel responsible for everything, yet I control nothing.  Not a great feeling.
     In short, I excused myself from doing all of the Christmas rituals that we have "always done" just because we have "always done" them.  For that truly would have been my main purpose.  Some people may tell me that is not how I am supposed to feel.  Please don't tell me how I am supposed to feel.    I felt that this was one more thing I would do because no one else in the house had the stamina to care if it was done.  Would I suddenly feel Christmas cheer during the task of putting up and decorating a tree?  No doubt, my son would have jumped in, right?  In my mind, I came up with a resounding "No."  Instead, I felt the joy of stringing up those lights, and being done in 15 minutes.  That is the extent of decorating that I could handle this year, and I was alright with that.
     Instead of hearing the expected "Bah, humbug" from me, what you would hear about this Christmas from my mouth is:  I spent time with family.  I attended church service, and even though Christmas Eve dinner was un-traditionally enjoyed at Golden Corral instead of in our home, it was enjoyed and shared with family.  This Christmas,  I reflected on how thankful I am for my boyfriend of 5 years, who has suffered his own family losses in the last year, how thankful I am that my son is alive and not using substances, and how glad I am that my mom is still with us and quite healthy.  Not to mention the shelter dog who came into our lives over a month ago, that furry toddler bringing joy, unconditional love, and energy when we didn't think we had any left.
     Christmas presents were left untouched until after dinner Christmas day.  Traditionally, we would open them after church Christmas Eve.  But I go to a different church than Mom now, and she went to her service after attending ours.  On Christmas Eve,  my son and I rode past some beautifully decorated homes.  Then, he went to bed early, like usual, and I read a book in the "decorated" living room, snuggled next to my dog.  I didn't feel the need to dig into presents.    I already had received many presents, and I didn't go nuts trying to shop wisely or decorate perfectly.  I gave myself a little break this year.  After all, there is a lot of self-doubt and self-derision going on within me on how I have handled my son's situation this year,  but I can see the sunrise scattering the darkness.  I shared love and joy with my family this Christmas.   I am blessed, and I am thankful.                

Puppy Love

by Pamela Schloesser, copyright 2014

He's cute, he's cuddly

not afraid to touch me

always loves Mommy.  

My son as a toddler.

Lays his head on my chest.

Nothing inappropriate.

Gives sticky hugs without warning,

loves sitting in my lap.

One day that became unaccepted.

 

He grows afraid to hug me.

Is full of smells and dirt;

That doesn't bother him.

I still hug my 12 year old.   

He shrugs. Closeness?  No thanks.

He grew troubled with the years.

I call him to me and he balks.

Years of awkward hesitant hugs,

distant in family photos.  

He's cute and cuddly,

jumps in my lap.

Forever a toddler,

never to grow up.

Loves being touched.

Always will.  Never unaccepted.

His puppy head rests on my chest,

always cute, never outgrown.

Onlookers, they just smile. 

My forever toddler,

the canine family member;

he finds him troublesome.  

It wants and gives affection.

I just eat it up.

He stays distant.

Until that long car ride.

Both tired and napping,

Dog's head resting on his lap.  

 

Canine love.   Bridges the gulf between us.

Doggone!  I knew he had it in him. Love.

   

Hope glimmers

It seemed an exciting start,
born in a fabulous place

The light still never leaves my eyes
even when it's left my face

And I can shoot my words with tact,
even when I'm lacking grace

With such keen sense of duty,
I don't plan to win the race

It may be just odd circumstance
that dumped me in this place.

I still will make the best of it,
I swear to you I will

Life is fun, not tragedy
no matter how big the pill

I'm going make like the singer Kate....
keep running up that hill.

Cedar Key - Off the beaten path

Ah, Cedar Key, a lovely vacation spot off the beaten path, with plenty of old Florida charm.  Water surrounds you, and you can get anywhere you need to with a golf cart, or your own well-shoed feet.

     As we drove into Cedar Key, we passed Kona Joe’s Coffee Shop and Annie’s Café.  So I knew where we’d be getting breakfast and coffee.  We checked into our room which was more like a one-bedroom condo with a balcony over-looking the beach area and marina.  Really, we couldn’t have asked for a better view!  We walked around, stepping into some of the art galleries, then we surveyed the boardwalk area on our first afternoon there, and I stepped into the Pickled Pelican.  I was just there to see their menu, but they were very friendly and I knew we’d have to go back and eat there at some point.

     We ended up changing clothes and going to Seabreeze on the boardwalk for our first dinner in Cedar Key.  It had been suggested, so I tried the Heart of Palm salad, which was more like a dessert!  It had pineapple, peaches, and was covered in pistachio nut ice cream.  I had to skim off some ice cream, but it was otherwise quite interesting.  I had started with the crab bisque, so it was just enough for dinner.   Kenny had blackened flounder, and of course he let me try some!  It was great!  The dining room was surrounded by glass windows, giving a great view of all of the water.  Toward the end of dinner, we could see dark clouds come rolling in.  It wasn’t long before it started raining and we rushed to the room, but once there, it was a great show on the balcony watching everyone rush madly from boats or boardwalk to their cars or rooms. 

     Friday morning we ate at Annie’s Café.  The food was excellent, the service was just okay.   They also did not take credit cards, so it seems more of a place for locals.  I enjoyed the breakfast though.  I am just glad it wasn’t busier.  It appears they have to cool off with fans; there didn’t seem to be any air conditioning.

     Lunch on Friday was at Tony’s, home of the award winning clam chowder!  Yes, it was that good!  I’d heard mixed reviews about the service, but our server was just fine.  Mind you, we were there during off-season, and had no wait at all for a table, which put us in a great mood for lunch.  I would definitely go back again for their chowder.  Let’s not think about the sodium content, I just want to remember that creamy chowder with tender, tasty morsels of clam.   It went down really quickly!

     That afternoon we laid out and swam in the beach despite a slight drizzle and the in and out appearance of sunshine.  Well, I didn’t swim; the rains had brought a lot of seaweed to the shore, but Kenny’s tells me the water was a really nice temperature.

     Friday night we hit the Pickled Pelican.  I had blackened Mahi and it was awesome!  A huge party came in, threatening our peace and quiet, so, we decided to visit Black Dog bar and tables.  (Offering “Adult Daycare,” or so the sign says.  I wouldn’t mind staying there for daycareJ)  I had red sangria.  Ummm, tasty!  This place has various games, and people can smoke cigars but not cigarettes (Bonus)!  There is funky art on the walls and they have games, including corn hole, chess, and Dominoes.  I sat in one of the barber chairs.  The young bartender was also very nice, suggesting where we could go for a great glimpse of the sunset on the west coast of Florida.  We found a great place though, and though we didn’t see the sun set, we saw the colors changing as it slipped lower into some clouds.   This was just further along the boardwalk.  It was beautiful.

     On the way out of Cedar Key, we stopped at Kona Joe’s so I could get some good coffee.  They had quiche, but I had already had breakfast.  The coffee was iced, flavored, sweet.  We sat on the deck, in cushioned lounge chairs, looking out at the water.  Dogs are allowed there, and one couple had a cute dalmation.  The owner is an older man who looks like he’s also on vacation, serving up coffee and breakfast in a tie-dye shirt.   For the off-season, this place still was hopping, though Kenny pointed out that some restaurants were currently closed.  But I think, if you get even more vacationers and restaurants open, this place would still be a booming business.

      Now I know that our visit to Cedar Key was in the off-season, and it’s too hot to enjoy all this place has to offer, but I hated seeing a number of shops/restaurants in Cedar Key that are closed down, be it just temporarily or for good.  Perhaps my next stay will be in a cooler, calmer season.   I will definitely go back and try to keep this place a thriving center for tourism!

What's eating you?

     Since my discovery that I have a type of IBS, it has been obvious that things tend to eat at me from the inside.  Could it be the marriage I was in, and had to leave?  Could it be my current living situation with myself, my son, and my mother, wrought with all the parental confusion over who tells who how to live, or how to parent?   Don't get me wrong, I love them both.  Maybe part of my problem has been the escape I used to attempt through drinking, even if only one drink per night, to "ease the tension."  My job certainly can be stressful at times, as well.  All can add up to a little bit too much on the stomach.
     Sometimes, I know that the main answer is just letting go.  Some things I can, others I cannot, especially when I look at my 17 year old, or see how he is behaving, and I know that I am still a big part of shaping him as a person.  It can be quite daunting.
     I seriously don't like it when his mood or behavior start to remind me of his father.  That is quite hard on me.  It makes me wonder what his dad is like when they are together and I am not around.  There have probably been too many years of this, and now, I see, my son has probably stomached a whole lot himself, kept it inside.  I ask God's forgiveness for that.  Then, I ask God to guide me the rest of the way.  Because my job sure isn't over.
     So much to think about, heavy, I know.  I was in the car with my son and someone else the other day and I just totally retreated into myself.  That has not been my habit in a very long time.  My current escape is through great books and Science Fiction movies.  Zoning out hasn't happened in a while, but I was upset.  So, here, in short, is my ode to zoning out, and knowing, it is not completely a bad thing.  Oddly, no one disturbed me until the car stopped, and, Look!  It got me writing again:

Staring out the window,
I let the thoughts drift in

damp and mildewy
dark and dusty
warm and fuzzy
or cold and sharp...

some, an electric jumpstart to the 
system, rare, but
a true thing

or, an uncomfortable brick-
best to leave behind.

It's okay that they all reared
an ugly head, or a
beautiful smile again.

I know they are all there -
always.  
And I can release them, again,
whenever I want.  
They are part of me   

Bonding over Gaga

He's 15, I'm 43, and Lord, we sure don't usually agree on a radio station!  However, things are a- changing!  I am told all the time by our counselor, my mother, and the books I read:  "You need to have more conversations that don't involve giving directions, and try to connect with your son!"  So why not bond over music? I mean, it is popular culture, and what makes for a better conversation piece?

Lady Gaga

For the longest time we could never agree on what music to listen to.  I have been into blues, rock, and sometimes alternative.  He would switch it to 93.3 (hardcore) and 97.9 ( a little more bearable).  Okay, maybe I'm blurring the lines between hip hop and pop, but last summer we both loved the Eminem/Rihanni song "The Way You Lie."  No one asked for a channel change!  I sang along!  He pretended not to!  It was great!

So, it helps that I won a pass and have been attending dance fitness classes that mostly jam to, you guessed it, hip hop!   And I must say, I am getting used to the pulsating, danceable rythms...they are actually growing on me!  Now, when I pick him up from somewhere, he opens the car door and says, "Man!  Do you really need the music that loud?"  Are you loving the role-reversal as much as I am?  I allow him to turn it down, but he is usually alright with the music selection.   I have lately had a lot of interesting conversations with him about Lady Gaga, queen of the outrageous.  He knows the songs,  I know of the latest buzz about her ever-changing wardrobe.  She is pushing the boundaries, meat-dress included, but I shall talk no more of that, because a meat-dress is just downright stupid.  Having said that, Gaga is really outrageous, just like that long-remembered 80's icon, Madonna.  She pushed the boundaries, dressed and danced sexy; the similiarities are obvious and glaring.

The original.

Anytime her recent song, "Born this Way", came on, I would play it and sing along.  I, of course, had to point out to him the resemblance to Madonna's "Express Yourself."  The pitch, the beat, the bridge, add in any other musical terms you like....just take a listen to both and you'll see what I mean.  I am, of course, not a music expert, but I have a good ear, as my son has.  I think he enjoyed this type of conversation.  I also informed him of the outrageous costumes, lingerie on stage, suggestive dances, dyed hair, huge hair accessories, and other various things Gaga seems to have "borrowed" from the 80's icon.  Guess what?  Madonna was huge and is probably still living off her 80's earnings.  Gaga seems to be catching on much the same way.   I have poked fun at her and slammed her for being unoriginal.  But she sure seems successful.  My son loves these conversations.  I actually sound like I know something about pop culture.   

But I can't deny that I totally get goosebumps when I hear her latest song,  "Edge of Glory."  Everything is great: her voice, the beat, pretty catchy lyrics too.....I will crank it up and sing along, shimmying my shoulders while driving, inspiring my son to HIDE HIS FACE.  Parents today, we're embarassing.  He'll be alright.  At any rate, I have searched her video on youtube so I could download it.  There she is, blond bob (with hint of black), heavy black eyeliner, and leather lingerie with what seems to be metal accents.  Sound familiar?

Let me just enjoy the song.  We'll have to stay away from the video.  In other genres of pop culture, one of the summer reading books in my son's school is Into the Wild , a true story about a young man he gave up all the monetary trappings of his family and society, and went alone to live off of the land.   We have both seen the movie.  I suggest you do, too.  It was also shown in his Geography class last year, another source for many bonding conversations.  Hey, at this point, if he is willing to talk to me about it, I will have (or develop) an interest, no matter how objective!