Puppy Love

by Pamela Schloesser, copyright 2014

He's cute, he's cuddly

not afraid to touch me

always loves Mommy.  

My son as a toddler.

Lays his head on my chest.

Nothing inappropriate.

Gives sticky hugs without warning,

loves sitting in my lap.

One day that became unaccepted.

 

He grows afraid to hug me.

Is full of smells and dirt;

That doesn't bother him.

I still hug my 12 year old.   

He shrugs. Closeness?  No thanks.

He grew troubled with the years.

I call him to me and he balks.

Years of awkward hesitant hugs,

distant in family photos.  

He's cute and cuddly,

jumps in my lap.

Forever a toddler,

never to grow up.

Loves being touched.

Always will.  Never unaccepted.

His puppy head rests on my chest,

always cute, never outgrown.

Onlookers, they just smile. 

My forever toddler,

the canine family member;

he finds him troublesome.  

It wants and gives affection.

I just eat it up.

He stays distant.

Until that long car ride.

Both tired and napping,

Dog's head resting on his lap.  

 

Canine love.   Bridges the gulf between us.

Doggone!  I knew he had it in him. Love.

   

Hope glimmers

It seemed an exciting start,
born in a fabulous place

The light still never leaves my eyes
even when it's left my face

And I can shoot my words with tact,
even when I'm lacking grace

With such keen sense of duty,
I don't plan to win the race

It may be just odd circumstance
that dumped me in this place.

I still will make the best of it,
I swear to you I will

Life is fun, not tragedy
no matter how big the pill

I'm going make like the singer Kate....
keep running up that hill.

Cedar Key - Off the beaten path

Ah, Cedar Key, a lovely vacation spot off the beaten path, with plenty of old Florida charm.  Water surrounds you, and you can get anywhere you need to with a golf cart, or your own well-shoed feet.

     As we drove into Cedar Key, we passed Kona Joe’s Coffee Shop and Annie’s Café.  So I knew where we’d be getting breakfast and coffee.  We checked into our room which was more like a one-bedroom condo with a balcony over-looking the beach area and marina.  Really, we couldn’t have asked for a better view!  We walked around, stepping into some of the art galleries, then we surveyed the boardwalk area on our first afternoon there, and I stepped into the Pickled Pelican.  I was just there to see their menu, but they were very friendly and I knew we’d have to go back and eat there at some point.

     We ended up changing clothes and going to Seabreeze on the boardwalk for our first dinner in Cedar Key.  It had been suggested, so I tried the Heart of Palm salad, which was more like a dessert!  It had pineapple, peaches, and was covered in pistachio nut ice cream.  I had to skim off some ice cream, but it was otherwise quite interesting.  I had started with the crab bisque, so it was just enough for dinner.   Kenny had blackened flounder, and of course he let me try some!  It was great!  The dining room was surrounded by glass windows, giving a great view of all of the water.  Toward the end of dinner, we could see dark clouds come rolling in.  It wasn’t long before it started raining and we rushed to the room, but once there, it was a great show on the balcony watching everyone rush madly from boats or boardwalk to their cars or rooms. 

     Friday morning we ate at Annie’s Café.  The food was excellent, the service was just okay.   They also did not take credit cards, so it seems more of a place for locals.  I enjoyed the breakfast though.  I am just glad it wasn’t busier.  It appears they have to cool off with fans; there didn’t seem to be any air conditioning.

     Lunch on Friday was at Tony’s, home of the award winning clam chowder!  Yes, it was that good!  I’d heard mixed reviews about the service, but our server was just fine.  Mind you, we were there during off-season, and had no wait at all for a table, which put us in a great mood for lunch.  I would definitely go back again for their chowder.  Let’s not think about the sodium content, I just want to remember that creamy chowder with tender, tasty morsels of clam.   It went down really quickly!

     That afternoon we laid out and swam in the beach despite a slight drizzle and the in and out appearance of sunshine.  Well, I didn’t swim; the rains had brought a lot of seaweed to the shore, but Kenny’s tells me the water was a really nice temperature.

     Friday night we hit the Pickled Pelican.  I had blackened Mahi and it was awesome!  A huge party came in, threatening our peace and quiet, so, we decided to visit Black Dog bar and tables.  (Offering “Adult Daycare,” or so the sign says.  I wouldn’t mind staying there for daycareJ)  I had red sangria.  Ummm, tasty!  This place has various games, and people can smoke cigars but not cigarettes (Bonus)!  There is funky art on the walls and they have games, including corn hole, chess, and Dominoes.  I sat in one of the barber chairs.  The young bartender was also very nice, suggesting where we could go for a great glimpse of the sunset on the west coast of Florida.  We found a great place though, and though we didn’t see the sun set, we saw the colors changing as it slipped lower into some clouds.   This was just further along the boardwalk.  It was beautiful.

     On the way out of Cedar Key, we stopped at Kona Joe’s so I could get some good coffee.  They had quiche, but I had already had breakfast.  The coffee was iced, flavored, sweet.  We sat on the deck, in cushioned lounge chairs, looking out at the water.  Dogs are allowed there, and one couple had a cute dalmation.  The owner is an older man who looks like he’s also on vacation, serving up coffee and breakfast in a tie-dye shirt.   For the off-season, this place still was hopping, though Kenny pointed out that some restaurants were currently closed.  But I think, if you get even more vacationers and restaurants open, this place would still be a booming business.

      Now I know that our visit to Cedar Key was in the off-season, and it’s too hot to enjoy all this place has to offer, but I hated seeing a number of shops/restaurants in Cedar Key that are closed down, be it just temporarily or for good.  Perhaps my next stay will be in a cooler, calmer season.   I will definitely go back and try to keep this place a thriving center for tourism!

What's eating you?

     Since my discovery that I have a type of IBS, it has been obvious that things tend to eat at me from the inside.  Could it be the marriage I was in, and had to leave?  Could it be my current living situation with myself, my son, and my mother, wrought with all the parental confusion over who tells who how to live, or how to parent?   Don't get me wrong, I love them both.  Maybe part of my problem has been the escape I used to attempt through drinking, even if only one drink per night, to "ease the tension."  My job certainly can be stressful at times, as well.  All can add up to a little bit too much on the stomach.
     Sometimes, I know that the main answer is just letting go.  Some things I can, others I cannot, especially when I look at my 17 year old, or see how he is behaving, and I know that I am still a big part of shaping him as a person.  It can be quite daunting.
     I seriously don't like it when his mood or behavior start to remind me of his father.  That is quite hard on me.  It makes me wonder what his dad is like when they are together and I am not around.  There have probably been too many years of this, and now, I see, my son has probably stomached a whole lot himself, kept it inside.  I ask God's forgiveness for that.  Then, I ask God to guide me the rest of the way.  Because my job sure isn't over.
     So much to think about, heavy, I know.  I was in the car with my son and someone else the other day and I just totally retreated into myself.  That has not been my habit in a very long time.  My current escape is through great books and Science Fiction movies.  Zoning out hasn't happened in a while, but I was upset.  So, here, in short, is my ode to zoning out, and knowing, it is not completely a bad thing.  Oddly, no one disturbed me until the car stopped, and, Look!  It got me writing again:

Staring out the window,
I let the thoughts drift in

damp and mildewy
dark and dusty
warm and fuzzy
or cold and sharp...

some, an electric jumpstart to the 
system, rare, but
a true thing

or, an uncomfortable brick-
best to leave behind.

It's okay that they all reared
an ugly head, or a
beautiful smile again.

I know they are all there -
always.  
And I can release them, again,
whenever I want.  
They are part of me   

Bonding over Gaga

He's 15, I'm 43, and Lord, we sure don't usually agree on a radio station!  However, things are a- changing!  I am told all the time by our counselor, my mother, and the books I read:  "You need to have more conversations that don't involve giving directions, and try to connect with your son!"  So why not bond over music? I mean, it is popular culture, and what makes for a better conversation piece?

Lady Gaga

For the longest time we could never agree on what music to listen to.  I have been into blues, rock, and sometimes alternative.  He would switch it to 93.3 (hardcore) and 97.9 ( a little more bearable).  Okay, maybe I'm blurring the lines between hip hop and pop, but last summer we both loved the Eminem/Rihanni song "The Way You Lie."  No one asked for a channel change!  I sang along!  He pretended not to!  It was great!

So, it helps that I won a pass and have been attending dance fitness classes that mostly jam to, you guessed it, hip hop!   And I must say, I am getting used to the pulsating, danceable rythms...they are actually growing on me!  Now, when I pick him up from somewhere, he opens the car door and says, "Man!  Do you really need the music that loud?"  Are you loving the role-reversal as much as I am?  I allow him to turn it down, but he is usually alright with the music selection.   I have lately had a lot of interesting conversations with him about Lady Gaga, queen of the outrageous.  He knows the songs,  I know of the latest buzz about her ever-changing wardrobe.  She is pushing the boundaries, meat-dress included, but I shall talk no more of that, because a meat-dress is just downright stupid.  Having said that, Gaga is really outrageous, just like that long-remembered 80's icon, Madonna.  She pushed the boundaries, dressed and danced sexy; the similiarities are obvious and glaring.

The original.

Anytime her recent song, "Born this Way", came on, I would play it and sing along.  I, of course, had to point out to him the resemblance to Madonna's "Express Yourself."  The pitch, the beat, the bridge, add in any other musical terms you like....just take a listen to both and you'll see what I mean.  I am, of course, not a music expert, but I have a good ear, as my son has.  I think he enjoyed this type of conversation.  I also informed him of the outrageous costumes, lingerie on stage, suggestive dances, dyed hair, huge hair accessories, and other various things Gaga seems to have "borrowed" from the 80's icon.  Guess what?  Madonna was huge and is probably still living off her 80's earnings.  Gaga seems to be catching on much the same way.   I have poked fun at her and slammed her for being unoriginal.  But she sure seems successful.  My son loves these conversations.  I actually sound like I know something about pop culture.   

But I can't deny that I totally get goosebumps when I hear her latest song,  "Edge of Glory."  Everything is great: her voice, the beat, pretty catchy lyrics too.....I will crank it up and sing along, shimmying my shoulders while driving, inspiring my son to HIDE HIS FACE.  Parents today, we're embarassing.  He'll be alright.  At any rate, I have searched her video on youtube so I could download it.  There she is, blond bob (with hint of black), heavy black eyeliner, and leather lingerie with what seems to be metal accents.  Sound familiar?

Let me just enjoy the song.  We'll have to stay away from the video.  In other genres of pop culture, one of the summer reading books in my son's school is Into the Wild , a true story about a young man he gave up all the monetary trappings of his family and society, and went alone to live off of the land.   We have both seen the movie.  I suggest you do, too.  It was also shown in his Geography class last year, another source for many bonding conversations.  Hey, at this point, if he is willing to talk to me about it, I will have (or develop) an interest, no matter how objective! 



Not bad, old girl. Not bad.

 Summer 2005

5/29/11:  So today is the "big" day (b-day) and I'm well on the way into my forties.  I still would like a better life, and it's been a little challenging lately, but it's really not that bad, and I have accomplished some good things in my life.  One more year passing tells me that I have more chances.  I've lived, I've loved, I've aged.  And I think that's great!

Today, I went to the grocery store with my son and ran into a former student that I taught in 8th grade two years ago.  She smiled and said, "I remember you.  Do you remember me?"

"Oh yeah," I smiled, " Your hair was blond back then!"

"Wow," she exclaimed.  "That seems like so long ago!"  It amazed me to think that she is only a year older than my son, and now she works at the grocery, and is about to be a junior in high school.

She was really so nice to me.  Back in school she was not.  I think she once said she hated me.  She mentioned, "I was so bad back then!  I would never want to be a teacher.  I remember I got thrown out all the time." 

I said, "I remember that too!"  At which the other cashier laughed.  She laughed with me too.  She didn't have to apologize.  Just her courteous behavior today and laughing with me, and heck, saying she remembered me made me feel good.  That and seeing she is responsible enough to have a job! :-)  It makes me feel proud, and that maybe I did something memorable to aid her in her growth, knowing she remembers me with a smile and a laugh.  It was a bright light on this special day.

I got an excellent facebook message from my Uncle Bob, mentioning "let's ride horse or rapids again...but no skydiving!"  And I think, yeah, it's been a pretty good life.  I haven't gone skydiving yet, but I plan to, (against the advice of many including Uncle Bob).  I'd also like to learn to personally fly a Cessna over the Grand Canyon, because that flirty pilot from last time really got me thinking when he said I was the take-over pilot if he passed out!  I still haven't been to Europe, but I'm dreaming and hoping.   I can look back at some good things, and I can look forward to even better, because, even though I think this summer is going to be hard work, I have always, always known how to save, plan, and dream. 

Re-aligning the soul

Sometimes you just need to get back in line, because, admit it, things throw you off.  Little things, like an argument with my teenage son, a week off of work that brings cloudy weather when I most want to get out and explore!  Other things include - eating wrong because you enjoyed what you ate, sleeping too much on that week off because you could, and therefore ended up with snoozer's back...., worries about money, etc. etc.  Luckily, nothing is too horrible this week, but lately I seem to have constant tension in the neck.  I'm putting off the massage, for monetary reasons, and haven't been to yoga because of changes in my son's schedule.  Yet, when I miss yoga, I know how much I need it.  It helps with the tension in the neck, the snoozer's back, digestive discomfort, and even temporarily can wipe away any worries on my mind.  And because of this stressful schedule, I get there less now.  But I shall sit here and stew over my worries no longer, as I'm going to a yoga class this morning.  I will try to reinstate my "home yoga" with the DVD, though the atmosphere is not quite the same (sometimes your family is one of the stressors you want to escape).    Yes, I said that.  Research shows that even good things in your life can be stressors.
     Part of the family stressor is that one of us is a teenager, and Lord knows they have an awful lot of turmoil within...it is easily catchy.  I try very hard to greet life and its challenges calmly, and hope that whatever might catch going from myself to my teen, is a calm, cool composure, perhaps even a positive outlook on life.  The best way I can do that is to work on myself individually to calm whatever turmoil brews.  I owe myself an apology.  I have neglected that.  Sure, I get plenty of sleep and allow time for exercise and reading a book, but my body, my back, my neck is screaming for yoga!   Temporary (and that's the best we get while on earth) Nirvana awaits.  At that, I have to go get ready so that I don't let one more thing interfere with what I need to do.